Good evening Mr. and Mrs. Billy’s Parents. Thank you so much for joining us for tonight’s Parent-Teacher conference. And during October of all months! Halloween! Oh, I’m just squirming in the dirt thinking about it! Mr. Teacher was feeling a little under the weather, so his good pal Pinworm has decided to fill in.
Don’t mind my glasses and tie. I know they keep slipping, but they’re hard to keep on without a nose or a neck. Anyway, we’re here to talk about a sensitive topic. Mr. Teacher seems fine with it, but I have some concerns. I wanted to talk to you about Billy’s hygiene.
Pinworms Don’t Like Washed Hands!
Oh, sorry. Did my tail knock your coffee off the desk? I forget where it is sometimes. Ahem.
Now, about Billy’s handwashing regimen. For effect, pretend I have hands and have just folded them and leaned in.
I have noticed that regardless of whether Billy is getting his lunch ready in the cafeteria, using the bathroom, handling animals at the petting zoo, playing on the jungle gym at recess, or helping to take out the classroom’s garbage, before and after he ALWAYS washes his hands! What is it with you parents? Do you have him read the CDC handwashing guidelines before he comes in every day?
What is the meaning of this? Do you not want the underneath of his fingernails to be prime areas for me to…
Pinworms Don’t Like Clean Bedding!
Another problem that I’ve been noticing when my friends and I catch a ride to Billy’s house after school…
Oh, don’t look so alarmed. Just when I have to drop off homework or a book he forgot. We don’t stay long.
And that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. We don’t stay long because you’re always washing the bed sheets. Even without Pinworm, bedding already contains dirt, dead skin cells, body oils, sweat, and dust mites. Most people should wash their sheets and bedding once a week, but not Mr. and Mrs. Billy’s parents, no! You wash your sheets twice a week!
How can you have wonderful, invasive, itch-causing Pinworm over for dinner if you don’t keep anywhere around for us to flourish! It’s rude! It’s almost like you don’t want us there.
Pinworms REALLY Don’t Like Reese’s Pinworm Medicine
Which brings me to my last point. I’ve noticed that Billy has been talking about Reese’s lately. With it being Halloween, I thought he meant a peanut butter cup, but I’ve heard some horror stories about a sweet, banana-tasting liquid that most kids only take a dose or two of and then… well, we’re in a school, I should be conservative, but it’s not good for Pinworm I’ll tell you that!
Oh, what is that you’re taking out of your bag. What does that box say? These aren’t real glasses. Bring it closer.
REESE’S PINWORM MEDICINE! AHHHH!